Amazing. Your posts were the words in my mind before I read them. Nicely stated about forgiveness.
As a survivor of child sexual abuse (my father was not a JW) I could not forgive him. That does not mean I could not let it go. The two are not inseparable.
He never asked for forgiveness. In fact his exact statement to me was "If you think I'm going to apologize you're crazy". He went on to abuse every person who came into his life
Was he mentally ill? Yes I believe he was. Was he incapable of stopping his behavior. I believe he was. Was he willing to stop? Not if he thought he could get away with it.
Let me explain. He was a victim as a child. He grew up to believe the only way he had any power in life was to take it from others that he believed were less powerful than he was. Although he beat my mother and all of us kids and his second wife and family he never attacked other people he knew. We had friends of the family who were police officers. He never even challenged them. He stayed in control in their presence. From how I understand this he was fully capable of controlling himself when he wanted to or felt the need to. He was also fully capable of abusing those in his home when no one else was looking. This seems like an awful lot of control for someone who is supposed to be menattly ill with a disorder that exhibits with poor impulse control.
Note too that he knew enough about his actions to terrorize his victims into silence. He knew he would be in trouble if he was caught. He used to threaten us with being the one the police would arrest if we talked but he knew he could use that fear to protect himself - not us.
He planned his opportunities to sexually abuse me. He planned on when we could be alone. He would arrange to send my brother out so he could be alone with me. This too does not sound like poor impulse control. He knew enough that he he planned how not to be caught in the act of abusing me. He even would plan on having different items availble for him to perpetuate his abuse on me.
I can accept that the very first time a pedofile abuses his first victim it might be poor impulse control. But after that there is way too much planning that goes on in his head to
1) keep his victim from talking
2) repeat the offence - gain further acces to his victim(s)
From the very moment he is aware of his actions and that it is wrong - and they all know it is wrong - otherwise there would be no need for silencing the victim - he has to start planning on how to protect himself from his action - this is not an impulse control problem. It is a deliberate act of violence on another person - one whom is clearly seen as unable to protect herself (or himself - my father also sexually abused my brother)
OK so here we have a man who abuses children. He knows it is wrong and does it for years. He knows that he will be held responsible if he is caught. He continues and even plans on further abuses. He refuses to accept responsibility and in fact goes on to abuse others.
Where in here is there room for me to forgive this? There isn't. I do not see that I have. He was never ever given access to my children. In fact he never met them. I would never trust him with any child.
I am not angry. I carry no bitterness. The wounds are healed for the most part - it rarely bothers me any more.
When he was dying a couple of years ago I went to the hospital. I did not see the man who terrorized me as a child. I saw a pathetic old man terrified to die. I held his hand as I would have with any stranger in fear. I gave him permission to stop fighting and "Go to meet your mother who is waiting for you." He died less than 24 hours later
I was the only one willing to give the eulogy. My final words about him were.
"John may God have mercy on your soul"
Ultimately it will be up to God to do the judging.